Saturday, April 27, 2013

EU to regulate penis length

As well as IQ and tomatoes. European regulators have added s slew of new tasks to their Perpetual Job Enrichment Program. After the huge success of the Novel Foods directive, they decided to tackle the issue of penis length.

This is going to be our most prominent regulation this year, said Dick A. Head, spokesperson for the EU health and safety commission.
With the enlargement of the European Union to 27 countries, major discrepancies in the penis sizes of EU males have been observed and reported as a concern. We have reports of poor migrant penises from Eastern EU countries getting entangled and damaged in the Western underbrush. In our monitoring of major EU sex dating sites, we have gathered alarming instances of length, for instance, a woman describing the 12 inches of her husband as, and I quote, "both a blessing and a torture". As a member of the Geneva Convention, the EU prohibits torture. Unfortunately, we always have so many urgencies in our department that we could not devote the necessary attention to the penis. We have now completed the Monsanto Bill of Customer Rights, which forbids growing non-approved food crops, essentially outlawing old seed varieties altogether. We regard putting tomatoes on the same legal level as marihuana and the coca plant as a victory for consumers everywhere. No longer will you stand in your neighbor's garden and have to wonder 'are those tomatoes legal'? Will I destroy my family if I take the neighbor's generously offered tomatoes only to be busted and imprisoned?

The first deliberations on penis size had to take place in the commission's bathroom because no adequately sized conference rooms were available and because some of the male members claimed that the configuration of chairs and tables did not leave enough room. You could think they were designed and tested by women, one was overheard saying.

The secret minutes of these initial discussions propose a standard European penis size (Eurodick) of six inches. Measurement will be recorded in inches to allow transatlantic harmonization, should it become desirable. Together with the length debate, a new EU research initiative was launched into the proposed procedure for undersized males (the EU technical term is "shorties"). There will be a procedure called "topping off" to bring shorties to the standard Eurodick size, obviously, said Dick A. Head in an interview. The corresponding trimming of longer penises is a well known procedure called Bobitting and will be financed using excess funds left over in the EU lifestock program.

The program will deal only with penis length, not girth. There are many technical questions as to standard girth, said Mr. Head, and we do want to leave EU males some wiggle room and time to get comfortable with the new dimensions of EU manhood.

In related news, the EU has confirmed a joint application by Hewlett Packard and Deutsche Telekom regarding introduction of an EU wide human intelligence quotient (IQ) standard.

In their application, the two companies explain that IQs across Europe are generally too high for smooth business operations and that customer service satisfaction has been shown to suffer from IQs above 60. The companies also cite a study by the German Industry Association D. Ass. that projects substantially lower numbers of court cases and points out that the drop in expected litigation would save as much or more to the member states as all austerity measures combined.

Mr. Dick A. Head confirmed that an IQ-60 initiative would be brought up by the commission as soon as the penis issue is cut and dry.

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