Wednesday, December 26, 2012

Making self #unemployable in DE

A no nonsense guide for #moochers and #slackers.

According to a renowned entrepreneur's (pardon my French) well-publicized video speech during the 2012 U.S. Presidential Campaign, around 47% of the American population are dependent on government handouts. Is this good, is it bad? Is addiction to government treatable like other addictions, and is cold turkey the way?

We do not take sides on this blog. Taking sides limits the number of posts we can do on a subject. And since we don't have that many, well...

We at the krautlandnews have tried, not too hard, to get figures for Europe and Germany in particular.

And came up empty-handed.

As ZEIT columnist Eric Hansen, a fellow ex-pat of sorts, pointed out a while ago, the German government does not do statistics about the homeless very well. The assumption being that you won't be homeless here, really, because all you need to do is ask for help, and help you shall receive from your benevolent government overlords.

But the times are changing. If you find yourself on the most modern incarnation of government aid here, they call it Hartz IV, after the rugged, beautiful Hartz mountains in Northern Germany, you have to be prepared to have the government budget everything for you, from TP to the five Euros the grandma gives your kids for Christmas. Yes, there is a court case for that.

But let's not tarnish what Hartz stands for: the mountain range is a preferred vacation spot.
And that is how many Germans see their fellow citizens who receive Hartz IV -- on permanent government paid vacation.

To get in on the deal, your primary aim is to become permanently unemployable.

That's not as trivial a task as it might appear. Take the example of German trailer trash comedian persona Cindy aus Marzahn. She lived the dream, but she was too funny. Hartz IV one day, the cover of the New York Times the next -- not good.

All of a sudden, she gets plucked out of her Hartz IV cocoon and has to work, pay taxes, have a web site, be hilarious for a living.

You need to avoid that. Here is how.

Participate in a de-qualification program offered by the local adult education school. Knowing too much is dangerous, as movie villans demonstrate all the time. Dumbing down the resume makes you seem more normal, average, in the sweet spot of the market.

A DIY approach is to put that certificate, the project management certificate or the Word processing one, out into the sun for a few days to make it appear ancient. Alternatively, use it as a coaster for you coffee cup.

Do not, ever, train for something new at 50. A good friend is doing it. It is hard. She is tired much of the time.

Do not buy new clothes. That's easy. There are very, very few thrift shops here where you can get new looking outfits for almost no money.

If you have savings: wait some more. That ticket to the government vacation is means-tested.
Don't tell the government you are here quite yet. Not as easy as stateside because you must register at city hall shortly after arrival.

The next thing to to is get busy.

You have to do some work to become unemployable. The best thing we have found is to start a blog. Just like the one you are reading. Although we have published too many posts in the past few days, that's a residual work ethic that needs to go. If you do a blog, do not bother with the spell-checker, and do not worry about good grammar - they work against your goal.

The next best is to become creative. Creativity in the true sense of the word can make you unemployable in no time. But, as Cindy aus Marzahn shows, it is not without danger.
Keep it under the radar.

Sure-fire, but way too extreme ways to get to the finish line: become friendly with your local free range livestock or do some low level stalking. If you can't make it in the vacation world of free people, prison could be the last resort.

Then there is one final way that only requires patience: grow old.

Once you hit 45 or so over here, you are almost a member of the vacation set, no matter how qualified you may have been.

Good luck. See you in the new year.

If you have not given up reading: the social security reform package was named after a Mr. Hartz, not after the mountains. Did the man get his name from the Hartz mountains -- we do not know.

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