Mars News, Jerusalem, 33 CE
After a week of intense controversy around the terrorist going by the name of Jesus of Nazareth appeared to have found its conclusion when the 33 year old male carpenter was executed on Friday, sources have informed Mars News that his body has disappeared from the grave.
The disappearance, if confirmed, would be all the more disconcerting because the grave had been sealed upon request of the local authorities, and a guard had been posted outside.
Mars News has not been able to contact the guard, and the
commanding officer told us that the name of the soldier would not be
released due to fears for his safety.
There has been no statement from the office of the Governor, Pilate. A senior government official, who requested to remain anonymous, said this: This whole affair has been a mess from the very outset. The Governor's decision to follow the request of the local elders was in line with legal precedent, and our administration treats the case as closed.
Regarding allegations of torture, the official went on to say Our legal opinion is very clear on this. We do not consider application of the device nicknamed Crown of Thorns as torture because it fails the test of inflicting permanent irreversible damage. Medical experts agree that no permanent damage is caused if sensible precautions are taken and subsequent treatment is administered. You will find that the device was not the cause of death.
The unnamed official also rebutted criticism of the trial itself, saying Jesus had been given the opportunity to defend himself against any and all allegations but that the accused had not offered exculpating evidence or called upon witnesses.
Let me remind you, the official added, that we have well substantiated intelligence reports that individuals who consider themselves supporters of Jesus have tried to interfere with the due process of the execution by mixing opium into vine offered to the condemned on the way to the execution site. The administration decided not to intervene to avoid further inflaming an already volatile situation. We are currently conducting a full investigation of the matter, and I can assure you that, should any misconduct be found, those responsible will be held to account.
The reporter came across a small group of people discussing the disappearance of the body. He told you he'd do it, one bearded young man of about 20 years said. You can't keep this one down, a second one chimed in, stupid officials, bringing bogus terrorism charges and killing him.
And all based on a confidential informant who would say anything for money, the first one said. We've been seeing this again and again. I hope the snitch gets his just rewards, I'll personally kick his scrawny ass when we find out who he was.
I wonder how he did it, a previously silent onlooker said.
It was another miracle, haven't you heard, he's been performing miracles since childhood!
Why call it a miracle when all you need is opium dissolved in vinegar on that final sponge and a Roman soldier bribed into not breaking his legs?
Shut up, he's the real deal, you should see him doing a miracle. Making the lame get up and walk! Man...
We did that outside of a Catastrophus Show, the cheapest trick in the book. You should have seen the drunk sandal wearing kids gawk when Maggie got up, exclaiming הַלְּלוּיָהּ , I can walk!
The reporter left the unruly mob behind and made its* way to the council of elders. A spokesman of the council read the following prepared statement: We are satisfied with the lawful prosecution and conviction of the common criminal and terrorist Jesus of Nazareth. Justice has been served. There can be no question that law and order have been restored. The Council is looking forward to continued mutually beneficial relations with the representatives of the Roman commonwealth in the best interests of both our nations.
* The ancient reporter used a gender neutral form.
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